Today I have the afternoon to myself. Wow, that hasn't happened for a really long time. I am sitting here reminiscing about my 10 month old and how fast 10 months has gone. He is walking and saying some words and becoming very sassy. How does this happen so fast? As time passes he is turning into this little person and is bound and determined to be as independent as I let him be. This is the hardest part of being a parent I think. Before he could walk and talk I just anticipated his needs; now he lets me know his needs (to an extent). As he becomes more independent, I am going to become less needed in his life. That is a hard notion to grapple with.
I longed for this little life for as long as I can remember. He is completing me right now, filling that hole in my heart that no one else could fill. As he grows up I fear that parts of that hole may start to show again. Looking back I can see that I was depressed for a very long time and I don't want to go back to that place.
For awhile my marriage was a means to a child and when that did not happen for us I began to harbor discontent for my husband and resentment for not doing the things that I felt he should be doing as a spouse. When we moved to Lincoln I felt it was a new start. I began to let things go. I became content with the idea that children were not in our future and then BAM!!! our son comes along with no prior planning. He filled this hole that I thought was closing. He became the light of my life, the reason to get up every day, the being of my existence. As long as he needs me, my heart is full. Every milestone he reaches I cry. Not because he is growing up, but because I fear that ache will return. I wanted lots of kids and now that we have one my heart returns to my original dream. That is an ache that my husband cannot fix.
I realize this is a problem and God is the only one who can help me. I pray for His fulfilling grace.
We have decided to see a counselor to maybe mend some of the heartache we have caused each other over the years from not being able to have children. I realize my eggs suck and that is why we haven't been able to conceive, but there are other factors that play into this as well. Maybe this is Gods way of pushing us in a direction of healing, maybe it is our way of sustaining our marriage after James is grown and out of the house. Being content can only last so long...I want to feel fulfilled by my life. If James is it for us in the child department then I want to feel fulfilled by that.
I have been praying over confession this week and with confession comes repentance and forgiveness. There are things I have realized that I need to forgive in order for me to stop the feelings/behaviors I am confessing otherwise they are going to keep creeping up and I will be confessing them everyday. What a hard thing realize. Some of this resentment and some of that hole in my heart are because of me. I pray for His healing grace.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Monday, February 16, 2015
The Whoop Part II
Some how I came down with the whoop right along side my son. I coughed all last week, called in sick to work 2 shifts in a row and now I am battling a sinus infection and an ear infection. I am on my second round of antibiotics. Everything tells me I should have mild symptoms because I am vaccinated, because I am an adult and because I am an ADULT. How is this happening. It's going on 3 weeks that I am sick. I am done with this whole thing.
On a bright note, James is doing very well. He is hardly coughing and energetic as ever.
On a bright note, James is doing very well. He is hardly coughing and energetic as ever.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
The Whoop
I picked up my son from daycare last Tuesday to find out two kids were diagnosed with whooping cough. James had started a runny nose and slight cough last Saturday, but it was just a cold. That is until Thursday late afternoon when our pediatrician called with a positive swab for James. He's been vaccinated for this. I shouldn't have to worry about the 100 day cough. Well I thought wrong. Apparently pertussis is a bacterial infection. My whole perception of this disease was changed in a blink when I was told he would be given antibiotics and would no longer be contagious. I am a nurse, but I deliver babies, I don't deal with infectious diseases. I'm still confused as to how you can vaccinate for a bacteria? Anyway he has it. His cough is minimal and I'm told by the health department that it should stay that way since we treated early.
Everyone in the household should be taking a round of antibiotics since we have been exposed. I feel like a character in a syfi movie. I was going to get tested but then I started to become symptomatic so antibiotics it is. I would hate to infect a new born because I hate taking antibiotics.
Then there is the family members on the anti vaccination train. They send links and articles of scare campaigns to keep you from vaccinating our children, "see they get sick anyway, don't trust the pharmaceutical companies" they say. According to the health department James has a mild case because he IS vaccinated. 500-1000 kids died each year from pertussis. Why would I risk that because it used to be a "common childhood illness"? So was polio and no one in the US has to suffer from a debilitating illness that our parents generation had to. And what about small pox? If we didn't vaccinate it wouldn't be eradicated today.
I think people who don't vaccinate like being sick. Why suffer from the flu if you don't have to. I had chicken pox as a child and it was a horrible experience. James never has to experience that. Saying a vaccine can cause harm to a child is the same as saying peanut butter can cause harm. You have no idea if your child has a peanut allergy before you expose them to it yet most parents do take the chance of exposing them to in hopes they don't have a reaction and can enjoy a tasty snack. A vaccination is the same thing. You expose them to a virus in hopes they don't have a small chance reaction so they can live without fear of contracting a horrible disease.
To each their own. I don't try and convince parents to vaccinate their children, I only give the facts and recommendations of pediatricians and allow you to make the decision. Please don't try to change my mind and I won't try to change yours. I might throw in an I told ya so if your kid gets the measles, but if they don't you could throw out a thank you for my kid keep yours safe. Soap box done for now.
Everyone in the household should be taking a round of antibiotics since we have been exposed. I feel like a character in a syfi movie. I was going to get tested but then I started to become symptomatic so antibiotics it is. I would hate to infect a new born because I hate taking antibiotics.
Then there is the family members on the anti vaccination train. They send links and articles of scare campaigns to keep you from vaccinating our children, "see they get sick anyway, don't trust the pharmaceutical companies" they say. According to the health department James has a mild case because he IS vaccinated. 500-1000 kids died each year from pertussis. Why would I risk that because it used to be a "common childhood illness"? So was polio and no one in the US has to suffer from a debilitating illness that our parents generation had to. And what about small pox? If we didn't vaccinate it wouldn't be eradicated today.
I think people who don't vaccinate like being sick. Why suffer from the flu if you don't have to. I had chicken pox as a child and it was a horrible experience. James never has to experience that. Saying a vaccine can cause harm to a child is the same as saying peanut butter can cause harm. You have no idea if your child has a peanut allergy before you expose them to it yet most parents do take the chance of exposing them to in hopes they don't have a reaction and can enjoy a tasty snack. A vaccination is the same thing. You expose them to a virus in hopes they don't have a small chance reaction so they can live without fear of contracting a horrible disease.
To each their own. I don't try and convince parents to vaccinate their children, I only give the facts and recommendations of pediatricians and allow you to make the decision. Please don't try to change my mind and I won't try to change yours. I might throw in an I told ya so if your kid gets the measles, but if they don't you could throw out a thank you for my kid keep yours safe. Soap box done for now.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Lots of Reading
In my previous life I was an English lit major. I paid a lot of money to read books. Most of them I found horribly boring, but once in a while the professor would pick out a good one. I could never be a teacher as my patience runs too thin for excuses and whining, but I often think about what I would pick for my virtual class would read. Do professors pick based on books they find interesting or what is recommended for that type of class?
I usually stick to fiction novels, but I felt it time to venture out and choose a autobiography/memoir. I am pleasantly surprised at my choice. It is actually very good and I have a hard time putting it down. Its called Tracks: one woman's journey across 1,700 miles of australian outback by Robyn Davidson. Apparently it is going to be a movie. I can't lie, this is why I picked it. I hate starting a book to find it hideously hard to read and slow paced just because I am totally uninterested. A book that is going to be a movie can't be too boring right? Well thats I how I pick them, based on their cover. I paid thousands of dollars for my degree and I make my literature selections based on their cover. I have to say I am rarely disappointed. I would like to think that my students would think I was the coolest lit prof ever...wink wink.
Monday, January 19, 2015
New Year's resolution
It's been a while since I've posted. This year I hope to post a little more. One of my new year's resolutions is to be as real as possible with myself and others. Over last year I've had to hold my tongue, especially on social media, for fear of compromising our adoption. Not that I would have, but you never know if your opinions on a controversial topic will cause ripples in the water and how far those ripples will travel. I opted to keep my posts to a minimum. Who knows who reads this anyway. I started this blog as a journal for me and just maybe someone some day will read it and relate. Who knows.
So that being said, our adoption was finalized Dec 15th. Such a happy day. James is the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. He's pretty much my world. He's perfect. The agency we worked with was very helpful. They were on top of every thing. And for what we paid them they should have been. However, now that we are finalized they are very slow to return the money that was left over. We had to give them our life savings within 48 hours and we've been finalized over a month now. It would be nice to pay some bills.
It makes me a bit sad to think that James will likely be our only child. I never want to put a number on his head because how can you say a child costs this amount of money? It's not like we bought our child... or did we? Anyway I refuse to put a number on his head. Unfortunately we may not be able to come up with a substantial amount of money again. I feel that James is supposed to have siblings so for now I'm leaving it up to God's plan. I need more time to love on him anyway; another child would be too much for my heart to handle, it would probably explode.
So that being said, our adoption was finalized Dec 15th. Such a happy day. James is the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. He's pretty much my world. He's perfect. The agency we worked with was very helpful. They were on top of every thing. And for what we paid them they should have been. However, now that we are finalized they are very slow to return the money that was left over. We had to give them our life savings within 48 hours and we've been finalized over a month now. It would be nice to pay some bills.
It makes me a bit sad to think that James will likely be our only child. I never want to put a number on his head because how can you say a child costs this amount of money? It's not like we bought our child... or did we? Anyway I refuse to put a number on his head. Unfortunately we may not be able to come up with a substantial amount of money again. I feel that James is supposed to have siblings so for now I'm leaving it up to God's plan. I need more time to love on him anyway; another child would be too much for my heart to handle, it would probably explode.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Looking Back
This last week marked 6 months where I could officially call myself a mommy. Since April it has been a roller coaster of emotions regarding the feeling of being a mom. When you biologically have a baby you have 9 months to bond with that child while he is inside kicking, flipping and hiccupping turning your insides into a playground of sorts. When you adopt you have from the day you meet your child face to face to start that bonding process. If you are lucky you have some time to prepare for your little one to come into your life. We had negative one days. For some it comes very easy to bond, for some others it takes a while. For me I felt the connection, but it was more like the connection I feel with my nieces and nephews. They are my family and I love them to pieces, but they are not mine. As I look back I have realized that I have felt a complete rainbow of emotions regarding my little angel. Resentment for rocking our lives, sadness for taking another woman's child, joy for getting to watch my son grow and learn and an overwhelming feeling of love for another human being.
As we move towards finalizing his permanents in our lives is starting to feel more and more permanent as it should be, but something is still missing for me. He reaches for us and smiles at us when no one else can make him smile. He knows us as mommy and daddy and he knows no other by that name. He has no questions with his bond. That's how I want to feel. I've read lots of blogs and forums from adoptive parents and I know I am not alone in this process. I am just praying that day comes where my mind matches my heart and I no longer question my feelings. There is no question about my love for him, that I would die for him. He is my boy, my son, my little angel and I am his mom. However I cannot get rid of that little feeling somewhere in me saying he isn't yours. God has been with me through this journey and I know He will not forsaken me now.
As we move towards finalizing his permanents in our lives is starting to feel more and more permanent as it should be, but something is still missing for me. He reaches for us and smiles at us when no one else can make him smile. He knows us as mommy and daddy and he knows no other by that name. He has no questions with his bond. That's how I want to feel. I've read lots of blogs and forums from adoptive parents and I know I am not alone in this process. I am just praying that day comes where my mind matches my heart and I no longer question my feelings. There is no question about my love for him, that I would die for him. He is my boy, my son, my little angel and I am his mom. However I cannot get rid of that little feeling somewhere in me saying he isn't yours. God has been with me through this journey and I know He will not forsaken me now.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Need Sleep
Life can be so challenging sometimes. I realize everyone has their "stuff", but come on. My current issue is sleep. I work 12 hour shifts at night and have yet to get more than 6 hours of sleep in a row ever. Most days I work I am glad to get a 3 hour nap even when the baby goes to daycare. And then the nights I am home after being up all night and all day sometimes, I then have to get up in the middle of the night to let the dogs out or comfort the baby. I don't mind this, but why are husbands so oblivious to the fact that their wives are running on fumes most of the time and then they decide to wake you up to go to an unscheduled truck maintenance? Sometimes my patience runs a bit thin and I yell a bit too much, but give a girl a break! Let me sleep :)
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