Looking Back

This last week marked 6 months where I could officially call myself a mommy.  Since April it has been a roller coaster of emotions regarding the feeling of being a mom.  When you biologically have a baby you have 9 months to bond with that child while he is inside kicking, flipping and hiccupping turning your insides into a playground of sorts.  When you adopt you have from the day you meet your child face to face to start that bonding process.  If you are lucky you have some time to prepare for your little one to come into your life.  We had negative one days.  For some it comes very easy to bond, for some others it takes a while.  For me I felt the connection, but it was more like the connection I feel with my nieces and nephews.  They are my family and I love them to pieces, but they are not mine.  As I look back I have realized that I have felt a complete rainbow of emotions regarding my little angel.  Resentment for rocking our lives, sadness for taking another woman's child, joy for getting to watch my son grow and learn and an overwhelming feeling of love for another human being.

As we move towards finalizing his permanents in our lives is starting to feel more and more permanent as it should be, but something is still missing for me.  He reaches for us and smiles at us when no one else can make him smile.  He knows us as mommy and daddy and he knows no other by that name.  He has no questions with his bond.  That's how I want to feel. I've read lots of blogs and forums from adoptive parents and I know I am not alone in this process.  I am just praying that day comes where my mind matches my heart and I no longer question my feelings.  There is no question about my love for him, that I would die for him. He is my boy, my son, my little angel and I am his mom. However I  cannot get rid of that little feeling somewhere in me saying he isn't yours.  God has been with me through this journey and I know He will not forsaken me now.

Need Sleep

Life can be so challenging sometimes.  I realize everyone has their "stuff", but come on.  My current issue is sleep.  I work 12 hour shifts at night and have yet to get more than 6 hours of sleep in a row ever.  Most days I work I am glad to get a 3 hour nap even when the baby goes to daycare.  And then the nights I am home after being up all night and all day sometimes, I then have to get up in the middle of the night to let the dogs out or comfort the baby.  I don't mind this, but why are husbands so oblivious to the fact that their wives are running on fumes most of the time and then they decide to wake you up to go to an unscheduled truck maintenance?  Sometimes my patience runs a bit thin and I yell a bit too much, but give a girl a break!  Let me sleep :)

1st night back???

Tonight I felt like I should have on my first night back to work.  The baby was fussy and crying and didn't want to be put down and I had to walk out the door and go to work.  I cried the whole way there.  I don't know if it was because he wanted me or if it was because I was leaving him with Mike and my sister is not there.  I felt horrible.  My sister left to go home to NC on Sunday and I have been in a funk ever since.  She has been my complete support system for the last 3 months and now that she is gone I realize that.  Even though she didn't do much with us it was just nice knowing another person was there at night to help Mike if he needed it.  Not that Mike isn't competent to take care of our child because he is, but having a back up person just in case helps this mamma focus on work.  Tonight all I can think about is if they are doing ok and if he stopped crying and if he is sleeping ok.  Ugh.  Working and being a mom is so hard.  Maybe one day soon I can just be a mom.  I can hope.

Too Soon

I spoke too soon about sleeping well and transitioning from nights to days and days to night. I am not sleeping well at all. I guess one week of work was not enough to give me night shift problems, but two weeks apparently is. Here I sit awake at midnight while the rest of my family sleeps soundly. I've been more irritable and snappy at Mike. Sleep is one issue the other is my sister leaving. She has been here since May and helped tremendously with the baby and Mike transitioning to a night care taker. She is that close friend I long for. The one I can show up uninvited and have a beer with. The one who I can vent to and she won't judge. She is leaving me way too soon. A week from Sunday is coming way too fast. I want her to want to stay in Lincoln. How do I make that happen? She has been my rock when the rest of my family has moved on from our drama. Well our drama is still here and I still need my rock. My person who won't judge or walk away. And now she is walking away. This is all happening way too soon for me and I'm not ready for that change to happen.

Back to work

Last week was my first days back to work since my little miracle came a long. Although it was hard to leave that first night, I have now fallen into my regular routine.  The only difference now is I work nights, but I do not live on nights.  I am not forced to flip my schedule back to days as soon as I am not working.  Surprisingly it has not been that hard.  James sleeps like a champ and naps like a champ which is helping function the day after I work.  My whole outlook in life has changed.  For the first time in years I feel like I am living for the day instead of just existing through the day.  I feel happy.  I feel complete.  Every time I look at this little miracle laying in my arms I thank God that his plan is so perfect.  That the wait was worth it.  That everything feels the way it should be.  God has been so good to us and I am so excited to see what else He has in store for us.

Too Fast

Time is moving way too fast right now.  Tomorrow marks 10 weeks of life for our little man.  He is growing and changing like crazy and I cannot imagine life with out him now.  I only have a few weeks left of maternity leave and I am trying like crazy to saver every single minute of being a new mommy.  I was folding laundry the other day and realized that he no longer fits into some of his clothes.  We went to the pediatrician for a 2 month well check on Monday and he has gained two more pounds and 2 more inches.  How do people deal with how fast this all goes by.  I am going to wake up tomorrow and he is going to be crawling and then walking and then talking like crazy.  I never really understood how fast time goes by when you have children until now.  I want to freeze in the moment for a while and pick up a few months from now or something.

Mike is learning how to be a night time parent for when I go back to work.  It is so hard for me to sit back and let him do it because I just want to snuggle with our little man every chance I get...especially at night when he is the most cuddly.  It is important for Mike to do this while I am here since its not all confetti and roses when you are tired just want to push the snooze button on the child.

I looked up my work schedule today and sure enough its posted.  That means my time as a stay at home mom is coming to an end.  I pray that the transition will be smooth for Mike and I will be able to function on smaller amounts of sleep.  Working nights is a challenge in it self, but trying to keep your child  to a minimum amount of day care a week will be a whole new basket of challenges.  I don't have to keep him home so much, but I didn't have a child to have other people raise him.  I may change my mind when I am working on 2 hours of sleep for the day.

the next chapter

For the last month I have taken a rest from posting anything due to the adoption of our son. He was born on a Thursday, we got the call at 608 Friday night, we were on a plane Saturday  morning at 8am. By 730 that night we had our son in our arms. He is perfect, sweet, alert, healthy, and handsome. I am so in love with him. I can't even imagine my life without him already. He is a month old today. He is growing so fast. Every morning he looks different to me. He knows my voice. In a room full of people today I am talking and someone else is holding him. He looked my way immediately when he heard my voice. I can't even describe the feeling I get when I look at him and hold him. He's my perfect little boy.

Chapter Closed

Today we accepted an offer on our house in St. Joe.  This is bitter sweet for me.  I went to St. Joe 9 years ago hating everything about the town except for our house. I learned to love parts of St. Joe (mostly the people) and now we are officially closing that chapter of our lives.  I commemoration of this event we will be demoing our main bathroom.  I am a bit nervous.

Watch Out!!

To ease my mind about inviting the neighborhood homeless into our yard, Mike bought me a stun gun. More like a stun stick. Given Mike's history of depression I refuse to allow a gun into my house, but I felt like we needed some sort of protection given we live in slummy area of town and that there is a half-way house caddie-corner from our back yard. There are more than a few shady looking people that we see every day and having something that will give me a second to get away and run is what I wanted. I was thinking some pepper spray or mace to have handy and Mike comes home with a stun stick. The thing sounds terrifying and he wants me to try it out on him. He is crazy...I don't even want to try it in the air. The directions state that 1-4 seconds will leave you a bit confused and 5 or more seconds will leave you incapacitated for a few minutes. Of course results may vary. I picture Mike laying on the floor in a puddle of his own urine because he wanted me to try this thing on him and he was one of the few that the result varied. I refuse to practice on him end of story. Regardless of my lack of practicing I will at the very least have a small metal stick I can hit an assailant over the head with and that is sufficient enough for me.

A New Start

I remember this house being creepy, dark and cold.  I was sure I would hate being here alone.  After living here a few months now I realized that it is not that bad.  I am not scared living here and with just Mike and I in the house, it defiantly feels more homey than it did 10 years ago.  Now that we are buying this house again, there are things we want to update, fix and improve.  It is amazing how 10 years and 2 professional incomes can change your eye for what looks good.

With Mike's A.D.H.D. we have multiple projects always going on and none being finished.  This week he decided to tackle the yard even though I feel it is a lost cause.  A 20 year old kid in the neighborhood saw Mike outside and asked if there was anything he could do around here for a couple of bucks while he was between jobs.  For what ever reason, Mike felt a charitable obligation to help this kid out before consulting me.  This is something he has never done before and without talking to me first, will never do again.

I am a faithful person.  I talk to God on a regular basis, I go to church, I tithe, I volunteer in my community. I have unintentionally drawn the line at helping out a fellow human being who walks up to me at my home based on the media and the movies reminding me of how strangers are danger.  Reflecting on this makes me sad.  I have lost trust of those unknown to me in a private setting for fear of being taken advantage of, robbed, assaulted, rapped  or killed.  After working around the outside of the house for a few hours with Mike, we have learned that this kid has had a rough life and seems genuine about wanting to better himself. He is virtually homeless (he is crashing on a friends couch), he has no transportation, he has no self care products (tooth brush, soap, shampoo, etc.), and he has not eaten in a few days.  Now my heart is breaking for this kid.  I still do not trust him, but I feel a responsibility to help him.  He wants a new start and he is willing to work for it and from what Mike said he has done a good job.

I know this doesn't mean I am going to invite every troubled kid into my life, but maybe this is God's way of changing my view point and opening my mind a bit...kind of like a new start to a different way of viewing others.

Atta Girl!

Friday before I left work my boss wanted to get some feedback from me on what I thought was working and what I thought we could do better.  And then she asked me how I felt like I could be more engaged with my job?  I had to think and just gave her a generic answer of we could use some better team work around here.  Last night I walked out and got the mail before I went to night 3 of 3 in a row for me this week and opened this card.  I almost started crying by what it said.  At that moment I realized that I don't go to work for my job, I go to work for my patients.  And I don't feel bad sharing my story with them because we can then somehow connect on a deeper level.

When I initially read this card, I had no idea who this David Reese guy was, but after asking around I found out he is some VP type big wig...I was floored that he was impressed enough to tell me thank you.  So David Reese if you ever somehow stumble upon this entry...Thank you for making my night and making me realize that I could care less what the company/hospital can do for me...I really only care about my patients and how they feel at the end of my shift.  I only care that I did everything for my patient that I could to make her stay as good as it could possibly be.  This is why I am a nurse.

A New Start

So we have made the decision to make this dump we are living in our dump.  We are buying this house for 3 reasons. 1. Because Mike cannot let things go and just has to fix stuff; 2. So we are not in a constant state of limbo; 3. So we can save a few dollars (our mortgage will be cheaper than our rent here).

I am actually excited about this.  I can unpack our boxes, I can hang stuff on the walls and I can claim the rest of the house...we have been trying to keep things on the main level.  I can now clean and feel I am not just doing it for the next viewer/potential buyer.  Adding the possession of "mine" to the equation makes it easier to make things look the way we like it.

Now for our house in St Joe to sell...it would make the whole transaction complete.

Our Plan

I haven't blogged for awhile. Life has been a bit chaotic. My grandpa died on New year's eve.  I was again reminded how a plan is set for me. Mike found a job here, I found a job so easily. We found a place to live and I got to spend the last 2 months of my grandpa's life with him. I was able to promise him that I would take care of grandma. I've held up that promise.

Our house hasn't sold yet and we are still living in a house that is less than ideal, but life is happening to His plan. The way it is supposed to. It's refreshing to know I am being looked out for.