Really???

So my menstrual cycle is pretty darn regular so when my period day came and went I thought no way, I mean I have 36 days in my cycle before.  Then 36 days came and went with no cycle start in site.  You can't imagine the thoughts going through my head.  I really hate taking pregnancy tests because they are always negative so I really try to avoid them.  So on day 9 of lateness I took a test and go figure it was negative.  The saga continued.  I hit day 14 of no cycle start and really began to wander if the test was wrong, maybe I took it too early???  Girls at work said they took one at a week late and it was negative and then a week later it was positive.  So knowing it was not going to bring me happy thoughts, I took another test on day 15 of lateness and my intuition was so right on....negative again.  So now I am thinking that I am going through menopause, no other explanation.  I woke up this morning after getting used to the idea of never having a period again to a visit from aunt flow.  18 days late, 46 days in my cycle, really???  Life can be so dang cruel.

Confirmation

When we were in the midst of our infertility treatment I felt it best to get a second opinion due to the feeling that we were wasting time and money.  We sought out the help of Dr. Stewart in Kansas City.  When we met I told him that I want the truth based on the facts not on the statistics of someone my age.  He told us that our chances would be 5% of getting pregnant and he couldn't confirm that I would even be able to carry that baby to term; then he added that he wouldn't feel comfortable taking our money because the chances were so low.  For this I respected him and owed my adoption future to this man.  With out his honesty Mike may have never have been able to come to terms with us not having a child of our own.  Deep down I always knew that I wouldn't be able to have a child, something always told me that and Dr. Stewart gave us confirmation of that feeling.

Another option we could have perused was egg donation.  Mike and I agreed that we would have to agree on the egg donor based on the fact that it would be half his DNA and half theirs.  We narrowed it to two people.  My sister and my sister-in-law.  Dr. Steward planted this idea in our head as another option.  I again felt like this would not work out for us.  We found out the donor had to be at least 21, my sister was only 19; the donor also had to be non-pregnant for 6 months prior to donation, my sister-in-law was currently pregnant.  We thought maybe we would wait for one of those options to become available to us, but within six months after giving birth my S-I-L was pregnant again and my sister was still not 21.

Yesterday we received a letter that Dr. Stewart passed away unexpectedly.  Since this Dr. was so honest and up front with us I of course wanted no other doctor to help us peruse this avenue if we chose it.  Now we have confirmation that this was not our plan.  Sometimes God gives us subtle answers to our questions and sometimes he yells at you.

A Good Day

People don't usually reflect on the good days they have, but I'm not most people.  Today I hung out with one of my besties, who told me she just found out she is prego.  She just told me. No beating around th bush, no feeling sorry for me, just I wanted to tell you that I'm pregnant. Because she treated me like any other friend, I felt great and of course happy for her. After that I rounded my day time hours out with a three hour nap and now dinner with my hubs. Some days I just need to reflect on the things that are good in my life.

Can't Kick It...

They told us before we were even on the list that if you have an adoption fall through it is just like a miscarriage. I wasn't sure I believed that since I wasn't the one pregnant, but I think I have changed my tune. Now as my bday gets closer and the due date gets closer I cannot kick this down feeling. I will be 32 next week and I feel way behind. Most of my friends that have kids are expecting their 2nd and 3rd children and the only people I hang out with that don't have kids are single. I was way beyond this feeling before this whole adoption drama happened and now its right back at my front door. I feel so cheated in life. I know things will happen one day, but I have had to tell myself that now for eight years.

Another Mother's Day Come and Gone

So I spend yet another mother's day only being the mother of my dogs.  They are pretty awesome, but they are not a child and its just not the same.  My week leading up to this mother's day started positive and then ended like a bag of rocks sinking to the bottom of a lake.  On Monday I was going to be a mother, on Tuesday that all ended.  We were matched with a birth mom and then she made the decision to parent her baby.  I guess good for her, but I am sorry for that child.  It will grow up never knowing how good its life could have been.  I will pray for that birth mom  that she will not go back to the drugs, to the controller, to her old way of life for her children's sake.

As I approach 32 at the end of this month I fear I am losing hope that I will ever get to be a mom. People try to say things they think are helpful, but telling me it will happen one day is not helpful. Just be real with me, just say yeah that sucks balls and move on.  Maybe I will have a new look on life one day, but today I feel lonely and barren.  Maybe next week when all the mother's day crap is put away and not spewing up my Facebook news feed.

A New Start

So I had a blog on another site and low and behold it disappeared along with all of my entries.  Ugh.  So here I start again.  Not sure I can muster up the insight I gave in previous posts, but I guess starting a new will be a good thing.  A fresh start for this weary woman.