Need Sleep

Life can be so challenging sometimes.  I realize everyone has their "stuff", but come on.  My current issue is sleep.  I work 12 hour shifts at night and have yet to get more than 6 hours of sleep in a row ever.  Most days I work I am glad to get a 3 hour nap even when the baby goes to daycare.  And then the nights I am home after being up all night and all day sometimes, I then have to get up in the middle of the night to let the dogs out or comfort the baby.  I don't mind this, but why are husbands so oblivious to the fact that their wives are running on fumes most of the time and then they decide to wake you up to go to an unscheduled truck maintenance?  Sometimes my patience runs a bit thin and I yell a bit too much, but give a girl a break!  Let me sleep :)

1st night back???

Tonight I felt like I should have on my first night back to work.  The baby was fussy and crying and didn't want to be put down and I had to walk out the door and go to work.  I cried the whole way there.  I don't know if it was because he wanted me or if it was because I was leaving him with Mike and my sister is not there.  I felt horrible.  My sister left to go home to NC on Sunday and I have been in a funk ever since.  She has been my complete support system for the last 3 months and now that she is gone I realize that.  Even though she didn't do much with us it was just nice knowing another person was there at night to help Mike if he needed it.  Not that Mike isn't competent to take care of our child because he is, but having a back up person just in case helps this mamma focus on work.  Tonight all I can think about is if they are doing ok and if he stopped crying and if he is sleeping ok.  Ugh.  Working and being a mom is so hard.  Maybe one day soon I can just be a mom.  I can hope.

Too Soon

I spoke too soon about sleeping well and transitioning from nights to days and days to night. I am not sleeping well at all. I guess one week of work was not enough to give me night shift problems, but two weeks apparently is. Here I sit awake at midnight while the rest of my family sleeps soundly. I've been more irritable and snappy at Mike. Sleep is one issue the other is my sister leaving. She has been here since May and helped tremendously with the baby and Mike transitioning to a night care taker. She is that close friend I long for. The one I can show up uninvited and have a beer with. The one who I can vent to and she won't judge. She is leaving me way too soon. A week from Sunday is coming way too fast. I want her to want to stay in Lincoln. How do I make that happen? She has been my rock when the rest of my family has moved on from our drama. Well our drama is still here and I still need my rock. My person who won't judge or walk away. And now she is walking away. This is all happening way too soon for me and I'm not ready for that change to happen.

Back to work

Last week was my first days back to work since my little miracle came a long. Although it was hard to leave that first night, I have now fallen into my regular routine.  The only difference now is I work nights, but I do not live on nights.  I am not forced to flip my schedule back to days as soon as I am not working.  Surprisingly it has not been that hard.  James sleeps like a champ and naps like a champ which is helping function the day after I work.  My whole outlook in life has changed.  For the first time in years I feel like I am living for the day instead of just existing through the day.  I feel happy.  I feel complete.  Every time I look at this little miracle laying in my arms I thank God that his plan is so perfect.  That the wait was worth it.  That everything feels the way it should be.  God has been so good to us and I am so excited to see what else He has in store for us.

Too Fast

Time is moving way too fast right now.  Tomorrow marks 10 weeks of life for our little man.  He is growing and changing like crazy and I cannot imagine life with out him now.  I only have a few weeks left of maternity leave and I am trying like crazy to saver every single minute of being a new mommy.  I was folding laundry the other day and realized that he no longer fits into some of his clothes.  We went to the pediatrician for a 2 month well check on Monday and he has gained two more pounds and 2 more inches.  How do people deal with how fast this all goes by.  I am going to wake up tomorrow and he is going to be crawling and then walking and then talking like crazy.  I never really understood how fast time goes by when you have children until now.  I want to freeze in the moment for a while and pick up a few months from now or something.

Mike is learning how to be a night time parent for when I go back to work.  It is so hard for me to sit back and let him do it because I just want to snuggle with our little man every chance I get...especially at night when he is the most cuddly.  It is important for Mike to do this while I am here since its not all confetti and roses when you are tired just want to push the snooze button on the child.

I looked up my work schedule today and sure enough its posted.  That means my time as a stay at home mom is coming to an end.  I pray that the transition will be smooth for Mike and I will be able to function on smaller amounts of sleep.  Working nights is a challenge in it self, but trying to keep your child  to a minimum amount of day care a week will be a whole new basket of challenges.  I don't have to keep him home so much, but I didn't have a child to have other people raise him.  I may change my mind when I am working on 2 hours of sleep for the day.

the next chapter

For the last month I have taken a rest from posting anything due to the adoption of our son. He was born on a Thursday, we got the call at 608 Friday night, we were on a plane Saturday  morning at 8am. By 730 that night we had our son in our arms. He is perfect, sweet, alert, healthy, and handsome. I am so in love with him. I can't even imagine my life without him already. He is a month old today. He is growing so fast. Every morning he looks different to me. He knows my voice. In a room full of people today I am talking and someone else is holding him. He looked my way immediately when he heard my voice. I can't even describe the feeling I get when I look at him and hold him. He's my perfect little boy.

Chapter Closed

Today we accepted an offer on our house in St. Joe.  This is bitter sweet for me.  I went to St. Joe 9 years ago hating everything about the town except for our house. I learned to love parts of St. Joe (mostly the people) and now we are officially closing that chapter of our lives.  I commemoration of this event we will be demoing our main bathroom.  I am a bit nervous.