This last week marked 6 months where I could officially call myself a mommy. Since April it has been a roller coaster of emotions regarding the feeling of being a mom. When you biologically have a baby you have 9 months to bond with that child while he is inside kicking, flipping and hiccupping turning your insides into a playground of sorts. When you adopt you have from the day you meet your child face to face to start that bonding process. If you are lucky you have some time to prepare for your little one to come into your life. We had negative one days. For some it comes very easy to bond, for some others it takes a while. For me I felt the connection, but it was more like the connection I feel with my nieces and nephews. They are my family and I love them to pieces, but they are not mine. As I look back I have realized that I have felt a complete rainbow of emotions regarding my little angel. Resentment for rocking our lives, sadness for taking another woman's child, joy for getting to watch my son grow and learn and an overwhelming feeling of love for another human being.
As we move towards finalizing his permanents in our lives is starting to feel more and more permanent as it should be, but something is still missing for me. He reaches for us and smiles at us when no one else can make him smile. He knows us as mommy and daddy and he knows no other by that name. He has no questions with his bond. That's how I want to feel. I've read lots of blogs and forums from adoptive parents and I know I am not alone in this process. I am just praying that day comes where my mind matches my heart and I no longer question my feelings. There is no question about my love for him, that I would die for him. He is my boy, my son, my little angel and I am his mom. However I cannot get rid of that little feeling somewhere in me saying he isn't yours. God has been with me through this journey and I know He will not forsaken me now.
