A Good Day

People don't usually reflect on the good days they have, but I'm not most people.  Today I hung out with one of my besties, who told me she just found out she is prego.  She just told me. No beating around th bush, no feeling sorry for me, just I wanted to tell you that I'm pregnant. Because she treated me like any other friend, I felt great and of course happy for her. After that I rounded my day time hours out with a three hour nap and now dinner with my hubs. Some days I just need to reflect on the things that are good in my life.

Can't Kick It...

They told us before we were even on the list that if you have an adoption fall through it is just like a miscarriage. I wasn't sure I believed that since I wasn't the one pregnant, but I think I have changed my tune. Now as my bday gets closer and the due date gets closer I cannot kick this down feeling. I will be 32 next week and I feel way behind. Most of my friends that have kids are expecting their 2nd and 3rd children and the only people I hang out with that don't have kids are single. I was way beyond this feeling before this whole adoption drama happened and now its right back at my front door. I feel so cheated in life. I know things will happen one day, but I have had to tell myself that now for eight years.

Another Mother's Day Come and Gone

So I spend yet another mother's day only being the mother of my dogs.  They are pretty awesome, but they are not a child and its just not the same.  My week leading up to this mother's day started positive and then ended like a bag of rocks sinking to the bottom of a lake.  On Monday I was going to be a mother, on Tuesday that all ended.  We were matched with a birth mom and then she made the decision to parent her baby.  I guess good for her, but I am sorry for that child.  It will grow up never knowing how good its life could have been.  I will pray for that birth mom  that she will not go back to the drugs, to the controller, to her old way of life for her children's sake.

As I approach 32 at the end of this month I fear I am losing hope that I will ever get to be a mom. People try to say things they think are helpful, but telling me it will happen one day is not helpful. Just be real with me, just say yeah that sucks balls and move on.  Maybe I will have a new look on life one day, but today I feel lonely and barren.  Maybe next week when all the mother's day crap is put away and not spewing up my Facebook news feed.

A New Start

So I had a blog on another site and low and behold it disappeared along with all of my entries.  Ugh.  So here I start again.  Not sure I can muster up the insight I gave in previous posts, but I guess starting a new will be a good thing.  A fresh start for this weary woman.