Moving

So we are all settled in our house in NE.  Settled might be too strong of a word, we are moved in and the furnace is working.  We have been here for 2 & 1/2 weeks and I am still calling St. Joseph home.  I never thought I would call that place home, but I grew to love the house we lived in and the familiarity of the town.  Here my house is gross and old.  Our stuff is here, but there is still a smell of the previous tenants lingering.  Rufus is on edge all the time and has now bitten two people that have come into the house.  Obviously he does not like it here yet.

Other than us not having a hot water heater and a working furnace when we moved in, oh and nasty remnants of food grease and smell everywhere, I am really happy that we moved back.  When we build our new house I will call it home :)

Since being back here, I have started my new job (taking care of patients is the same, but where they chart stuff is way different), and I have been thrown into caring for my grandparents.  I love that I can do that, it is one of the many reasons I wanted to get back to NE.  I didn't realize I was going to be utilized so quickly though.  My Grandpa is suffering from dementia and a broken femur/hip.  Caring for him has been a challenge for the whole family because he is so stubborn and proud.  He craves his independence and is very hesitant to let it go.  It is so hard to see him like this, so weak and brittle, nothing like the strong, stoic man I knew growing up.  I feel like God has brought me back to NE to aid in his end of life care and I feel blessed to do so.

Changes

It's Sunday morning, I was wide awake at 5am.  The one big thing that stinks about being a night shifter, my sleep schedule is jacked when I want to be a normal person for a couple of days.  That also means I feel like I have lack of sleep during the day time which is probably why I had a bit of a freak out last night; we are moving in 3 weeks and we have nothing packed or planned or anything.  I generally have anxiety about traveling, moving, or changing aspects of my life....this is going to involve all 3 so yes, I am a bit anxious about it.  Oh and our master bathroom is gutted to the studs still (has been for 3 weeks now).

My current remedy for all of this craziness is to listen to music and dance around the office. In about 10 minutes I am going to go get some dunkin donuts coffee and go to church and pray that God makes the rest of this process fall into place easily like everything else has done so far.  

Despite all of my anxiety, I have this giddy feeling deep down.  I am going to be closer to help raise my nieces and nephews...its the next best thing to having my own children.  Mike keeps telling me he knows we will get our own...he feels it.  I hope that is God talking to his heart even though he doesn't always believe in Him.  In the mean time these 5 will do :)

Ouch!!

I am only 32 years old and I feel like I am 50; what in the heck and I going to feel like at 50?  Since I have diagnosed myself as an emotional eater and gone on this quest to lose some weight I feel like I hurt more; isn't supposed to be that you hurt less?  Anyway when I hurt I just want to veg and eat; it feels better than moving around sometimes  :(  

I made rice crispy bars on Sunday just because...Mike and I ate the whole pan and I feel like I ate more than he did.  What can I say, they are my favorite and they were sooooo good.  Needless to say, I did not lose any weight this last week.  Holding steady at 11 pounds down.  I think getting down to 130 is is pretty lofty goal since I have spent the majority of my life at 140 so if I can get back to that I will never say I am fat again...I am thinking that means no more making rice crispy bars cause this girl can't stop eating them until they are gone!!

Falling into place

So I wasn't looking for a job and I got a job; we weren't going to move until after the first of the year and now we are listing our house and moving by Nov. 1st; we didn't have a place to move into and now my brother-in-law's renters moved out. If we were not supposed to go back to NE the world has a funny way of showing it. I of course in a million years never thought we would be moving back into our old house that we sold 8 years ago, but this time next month we will be occupying that residence once again. What next, we get a kid???? I mean, I am just rolling with it here and it seems to be working out, I won't push it with a kid :) AND...I've lost 2 more pounds...I'm going to back in my old jeans in no time. Life is pretty good right now. I have prayed for the Lord to get me through my darkest days and now the light is shining...thank you Jesus!!!!

Go Me!!

I am so proud of myself.  I weighed in this morning and I am down 2 more pounds for a total of 9 pounds lost for me.  This has been really hard for me, but I am doing it and I finally feel motivated!!

What a Weekend

So this weekend I made some life changing decisions.  I had an interview on Friday that went well and then I got a call this morning with an offer...EEEKKKK!  Now the ball is my court.  I had them email me the offer in writing so I could make sure it is really what I want.  I love my job now so I don't want to settle for a job.  I mean this is my career we are talking about...I want to be happy.  I am terrified now to tell my current job, to move, to find a place to live...holy smokes this is happening fast.  I applied thinking I wouldn't even get an interview.  Obviously my life is not in my hands, there is a bigger force working that knows whats best for me.

Growing up is hard

So another week has passed and I didn't lose a single pound.  This calorie counting thing is freaking hard and it sucks to.  I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted to and now I am only aloud 1300 calories and it looks like I am going to need to drop down to 1200.  If anything, this has taught me I am an emotional eater and a habit eater.  Man growing up is hard to do.

On a brighter note I applied for a job in Lincoln on a whim thinking there is no way I would get an interview and low and behold, I got an interview.  Life is going to happen way different than we expected if I get this job.  Crazy how things work!!

Making Changes

It is amazes me how emotions rule my life.  In the last year I have gained weight, kept an messy house, and some days barely made it out of bed literally sleeping 18-19 of 24 hours in a day.  Working nights has played into this a little, but the overwhelming feeling of loss is what contributes to the majority of my issues. I miss my grandma like crazy, I can't have children and now I am going though "the change" at 32 years old.

One week ago today I made a conscious decision to get rid of some of this weight I have put on over the last two years.  I am at the heaviest I have ever been and it just makes things worse for me when my clothes don't fit.  Today I weighed in and I am down 6 pounds.  I realize some of this is water weight that the cleanse I am doing is getting rid of and so the weight loss will slow down, but for now I feel on track.  I even worked out yesterday for the first time in who knows how long.

Even though I can't change the fact my eggs suck and I can't change the fact that my body thinks its older than it is; I can change my life style and eating habits.  I can do this.  I will do this.

Apparently this is life

The last few months have brought us some new opportunities.  Mike started a new job in NE, we are officially moving to NE and a few adoption prospects have come our way.  The latest was going to cost us $26,000 which we were not worried about until we talked to the agency.  She was pushing to get this money now and said if we didn't do it she had someone set up to do it.  We said we would like to meet her before we commit to such a lofty expense and she told us there was no time for that, she needed $3500 now.  I mean we wanted to meet on Friday (its Wednesday).  I am now thinking what kind of scam are these people running.  Although we thought the match seemed pretty good at first we have now backed out due to the pushy nature of the agency rep.  I mean this is why we researched our brains out to find a good agency...why can't we get a baby with OUR agency???  And so goes our adoption woes :(

Really???

So my menstrual cycle is pretty darn regular so when my period day came and went I thought no way, I mean I have 36 days in my cycle before.  Then 36 days came and went with no cycle start in site.  You can't imagine the thoughts going through my head.  I really hate taking pregnancy tests because they are always negative so I really try to avoid them.  So on day 9 of lateness I took a test and go figure it was negative.  The saga continued.  I hit day 14 of no cycle start and really began to wander if the test was wrong, maybe I took it too early???  Girls at work said they took one at a week late and it was negative and then a week later it was positive.  So knowing it was not going to bring me happy thoughts, I took another test on day 15 of lateness and my intuition was so right on....negative again.  So now I am thinking that I am going through menopause, no other explanation.  I woke up this morning after getting used to the idea of never having a period again to a visit from aunt flow.  18 days late, 46 days in my cycle, really???  Life can be so dang cruel.

Confirmation

When we were in the midst of our infertility treatment I felt it best to get a second opinion due to the feeling that we were wasting time and money.  We sought out the help of Dr. Stewart in Kansas City.  When we met I told him that I want the truth based on the facts not on the statistics of someone my age.  He told us that our chances would be 5% of getting pregnant and he couldn't confirm that I would even be able to carry that baby to term; then he added that he wouldn't feel comfortable taking our money because the chances were so low.  For this I respected him and owed my adoption future to this man.  With out his honesty Mike may have never have been able to come to terms with us not having a child of our own.  Deep down I always knew that I wouldn't be able to have a child, something always told me that and Dr. Stewart gave us confirmation of that feeling.

Another option we could have perused was egg donation.  Mike and I agreed that we would have to agree on the egg donor based on the fact that it would be half his DNA and half theirs.  We narrowed it to two people.  My sister and my sister-in-law.  Dr. Steward planted this idea in our head as another option.  I again felt like this would not work out for us.  We found out the donor had to be at least 21, my sister was only 19; the donor also had to be non-pregnant for 6 months prior to donation, my sister-in-law was currently pregnant.  We thought maybe we would wait for one of those options to become available to us, but within six months after giving birth my S-I-L was pregnant again and my sister was still not 21.

Yesterday we received a letter that Dr. Stewart passed away unexpectedly.  Since this Dr. was so honest and up front with us I of course wanted no other doctor to help us peruse this avenue if we chose it.  Now we have confirmation that this was not our plan.  Sometimes God gives us subtle answers to our questions and sometimes he yells at you.

A Good Day

People don't usually reflect on the good days they have, but I'm not most people.  Today I hung out with one of my besties, who told me she just found out she is prego.  She just told me. No beating around th bush, no feeling sorry for me, just I wanted to tell you that I'm pregnant. Because she treated me like any other friend, I felt great and of course happy for her. After that I rounded my day time hours out with a three hour nap and now dinner with my hubs. Some days I just need to reflect on the things that are good in my life.

Can't Kick It...

They told us before we were even on the list that if you have an adoption fall through it is just like a miscarriage. I wasn't sure I believed that since I wasn't the one pregnant, but I think I have changed my tune. Now as my bday gets closer and the due date gets closer I cannot kick this down feeling. I will be 32 next week and I feel way behind. Most of my friends that have kids are expecting their 2nd and 3rd children and the only people I hang out with that don't have kids are single. I was way beyond this feeling before this whole adoption drama happened and now its right back at my front door. I feel so cheated in life. I know things will happen one day, but I have had to tell myself that now for eight years.

Another Mother's Day Come and Gone

So I spend yet another mother's day only being the mother of my dogs.  They are pretty awesome, but they are not a child and its just not the same.  My week leading up to this mother's day started positive and then ended like a bag of rocks sinking to the bottom of a lake.  On Monday I was going to be a mother, on Tuesday that all ended.  We were matched with a birth mom and then she made the decision to parent her baby.  I guess good for her, but I am sorry for that child.  It will grow up never knowing how good its life could have been.  I will pray for that birth mom  that she will not go back to the drugs, to the controller, to her old way of life for her children's sake.

As I approach 32 at the end of this month I fear I am losing hope that I will ever get to be a mom. People try to say things they think are helpful, but telling me it will happen one day is not helpful. Just be real with me, just say yeah that sucks balls and move on.  Maybe I will have a new look on life one day, but today I feel lonely and barren.  Maybe next week when all the mother's day crap is put away and not spewing up my Facebook news feed.

A New Start

So I had a blog on another site and low and behold it disappeared along with all of my entries.  Ugh.  So here I start again.  Not sure I can muster up the insight I gave in previous posts, but I guess starting a new will be a good thing.  A fresh start for this weary woman.