Really???

So my menstrual cycle is pretty darn regular so when my period day came and went I thought no way, I mean I have 36 days in my cycle before.  Then 36 days came and went with no cycle start in site.  You can't imagine the thoughts going through my head.  I really hate taking pregnancy tests because they are always negative so I really try to avoid them.  So on day 9 of lateness I took a test and go figure it was negative.  The saga continued.  I hit day 14 of no cycle start and really began to wander if the test was wrong, maybe I took it too early???  Girls at work said they took one at a week late and it was negative and then a week later it was positive.  So knowing it was not going to bring me happy thoughts, I took another test on day 15 of lateness and my intuition was so right on....negative again.  So now I am thinking that I am going through menopause, no other explanation.  I woke up this morning after getting used to the idea of never having a period again to a visit from aunt flow.  18 days late, 46 days in my cycle, really???  Life can be so dang cruel.

Confirmation

When we were in the midst of our infertility treatment I felt it best to get a second opinion due to the feeling that we were wasting time and money.  We sought out the help of Dr. Stewart in Kansas City.  When we met I told him that I want the truth based on the facts not on the statistics of someone my age.  He told us that our chances would be 5% of getting pregnant and he couldn't confirm that I would even be able to carry that baby to term; then he added that he wouldn't feel comfortable taking our money because the chances were so low.  For this I respected him and owed my adoption future to this man.  With out his honesty Mike may have never have been able to come to terms with us not having a child of our own.  Deep down I always knew that I wouldn't be able to have a child, something always told me that and Dr. Stewart gave us confirmation of that feeling.

Another option we could have perused was egg donation.  Mike and I agreed that we would have to agree on the egg donor based on the fact that it would be half his DNA and half theirs.  We narrowed it to two people.  My sister and my sister-in-law.  Dr. Steward planted this idea in our head as another option.  I again felt like this would not work out for us.  We found out the donor had to be at least 21, my sister was only 19; the donor also had to be non-pregnant for 6 months prior to donation, my sister-in-law was currently pregnant.  We thought maybe we would wait for one of those options to become available to us, but within six months after giving birth my S-I-L was pregnant again and my sister was still not 21.

Yesterday we received a letter that Dr. Stewart passed away unexpectedly.  Since this Dr. was so honest and up front with us I of course wanted no other doctor to help us peruse this avenue if we chose it.  Now we have confirmation that this was not our plan.  Sometimes God gives us subtle answers to our questions and sometimes he yells at you.