10 Months

Today I have the afternoon to myself. Wow, that hasn't happened for a really long time.  I am sitting here reminiscing about my 10 month old and how fast 10 months has gone.  He is walking and saying some words and becoming very sassy.  How does this happen so fast?  As time passes he is turning into this little person and is bound and determined to be as independent as I let him be.  This is the hardest part of being a parent I think.  Before he could walk and talk I just anticipated his needs; now he lets me know his needs (to an extent).  As he becomes more independent, I am going to become less needed in his life.  That is a hard notion to grapple with.

I longed for this little life for as long as I can remember.  He is completing me right now, filling that hole in my heart that no one else could fill.  As he grows up I fear that parts of that hole may start to show again.  Looking back I can see that I was depressed for a very long time and I don't want to go back to that place.

For awhile my marriage was a means to a child and when that did not happen for us I began to harbor discontent for my husband and resentment for not doing the things that I felt he should be doing as a spouse.  When we moved to Lincoln I felt it was a new start.  I began to let things go.  I became content with the idea that children were not in our future and then BAM!!! our son comes along with no prior planning.  He filled this hole that I thought was closing.  He became the light of my life, the reason to get up every day, the being of my existence.  As long as he needs me, my heart is full.  Every milestone he reaches I cry.  Not because he is growing up, but because I fear that ache will return.  I wanted lots of kids and now that we have one my heart returns to my original dream.  That is an ache that my husband cannot fix.

I realize this is a problem and God is the only one who can help me.  I pray for His fulfilling grace.

We have decided to see a counselor to maybe mend some of the heartache we have caused each other over the years from not being able to have children.  I realize my eggs suck and that is why we haven't been able to conceive, but there are other factors that play into this as well.  Maybe this is Gods way of pushing us in a direction of healing, maybe it is our way of sustaining our marriage after James is grown and out of the house.  Being content can only last so long...I want to feel fulfilled by my life.  If James is it for us in the child department then I want to feel fulfilled by that.

I have been praying over confession this week and with confession comes repentance and forgiveness.  There are things I have realized that I need to forgive in order for me to stop the feelings/behaviors I am confessing otherwise they are going to keep creeping up and I will be confessing them everyday.  What a hard thing realize.  Some of this resentment and some of that hole in my heart are because of me.  I pray for His healing grace.

The Whoop Part II

Some how I came down with the whoop right along side my son.  I coughed all last week, called in sick to work 2 shifts in a row and now I am battling a sinus infection and an ear infection.  I am on my second round of antibiotics.  Everything tells me I should have mild symptoms because I am vaccinated, because I am an adult and because I am an ADULT.  How is this happening.  It's going on 3 weeks that I am sick.  I am done with this whole thing.

On a bright note, James is doing very well.  He is hardly coughing and energetic as ever.