Go Me!!

I am so proud of myself.  I weighed in this morning and I am down 2 more pounds for a total of 9 pounds lost for me.  This has been really hard for me, but I am doing it and I finally feel motivated!!

What a Weekend

So this weekend I made some life changing decisions.  I had an interview on Friday that went well and then I got a call this morning with an offer...EEEKKKK!  Now the ball is my court.  I had them email me the offer in writing so I could make sure it is really what I want.  I love my job now so I don't want to settle for a job.  I mean this is my career we are talking about...I want to be happy.  I am terrified now to tell my current job, to move, to find a place to live...holy smokes this is happening fast.  I applied thinking I wouldn't even get an interview.  Obviously my life is not in my hands, there is a bigger force working that knows whats best for me.

Growing up is hard

So another week has passed and I didn't lose a single pound.  This calorie counting thing is freaking hard and it sucks to.  I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted to and now I am only aloud 1300 calories and it looks like I am going to need to drop down to 1200.  If anything, this has taught me I am an emotional eater and a habit eater.  Man growing up is hard to do.

On a brighter note I applied for a job in Lincoln on a whim thinking there is no way I would get an interview and low and behold, I got an interview.  Life is going to happen way different than we expected if I get this job.  Crazy how things work!!

Making Changes

It is amazes me how emotions rule my life.  In the last year I have gained weight, kept an messy house, and some days barely made it out of bed literally sleeping 18-19 of 24 hours in a day.  Working nights has played into this a little, but the overwhelming feeling of loss is what contributes to the majority of my issues. I miss my grandma like crazy, I can't have children and now I am going though "the change" at 32 years old.

One week ago today I made a conscious decision to get rid of some of this weight I have put on over the last two years.  I am at the heaviest I have ever been and it just makes things worse for me when my clothes don't fit.  Today I weighed in and I am down 6 pounds.  I realize some of this is water weight that the cleanse I am doing is getting rid of and so the weight loss will slow down, but for now I feel on track.  I even worked out yesterday for the first time in who knows how long.

Even though I can't change the fact my eggs suck and I can't change the fact that my body thinks its older than it is; I can change my life style and eating habits.  I can do this.  I will do this.

Apparently this is life

The last few months have brought us some new opportunities.  Mike started a new job in NE, we are officially moving to NE and a few adoption prospects have come our way.  The latest was going to cost us $26,000 which we were not worried about until we talked to the agency.  She was pushing to get this money now and said if we didn't do it she had someone set up to do it.  We said we would like to meet her before we commit to such a lofty expense and she told us there was no time for that, she needed $3500 now.  I mean we wanted to meet on Friday (its Wednesday).  I am now thinking what kind of scam are these people running.  Although we thought the match seemed pretty good at first we have now backed out due to the pushy nature of the agency rep.  I mean this is why we researched our brains out to find a good agency...why can't we get a baby with OUR agency???  And so goes our adoption woes :(

Really???

So my menstrual cycle is pretty darn regular so when my period day came and went I thought no way, I mean I have 36 days in my cycle before.  Then 36 days came and went with no cycle start in site.  You can't imagine the thoughts going through my head.  I really hate taking pregnancy tests because they are always negative so I really try to avoid them.  So on day 9 of lateness I took a test and go figure it was negative.  The saga continued.  I hit day 14 of no cycle start and really began to wander if the test was wrong, maybe I took it too early???  Girls at work said they took one at a week late and it was negative and then a week later it was positive.  So knowing it was not going to bring me happy thoughts, I took another test on day 15 of lateness and my intuition was so right on....negative again.  So now I am thinking that I am going through menopause, no other explanation.  I woke up this morning after getting used to the idea of never having a period again to a visit from aunt flow.  18 days late, 46 days in my cycle, really???  Life can be so dang cruel.

Confirmation

When we were in the midst of our infertility treatment I felt it best to get a second opinion due to the feeling that we were wasting time and money.  We sought out the help of Dr. Stewart in Kansas City.  When we met I told him that I want the truth based on the facts not on the statistics of someone my age.  He told us that our chances would be 5% of getting pregnant and he couldn't confirm that I would even be able to carry that baby to term; then he added that he wouldn't feel comfortable taking our money because the chances were so low.  For this I respected him and owed my adoption future to this man.  With out his honesty Mike may have never have been able to come to terms with us not having a child of our own.  Deep down I always knew that I wouldn't be able to have a child, something always told me that and Dr. Stewart gave us confirmation of that feeling.

Another option we could have perused was egg donation.  Mike and I agreed that we would have to agree on the egg donor based on the fact that it would be half his DNA and half theirs.  We narrowed it to two people.  My sister and my sister-in-law.  Dr. Steward planted this idea in our head as another option.  I again felt like this would not work out for us.  We found out the donor had to be at least 21, my sister was only 19; the donor also had to be non-pregnant for 6 months prior to donation, my sister-in-law was currently pregnant.  We thought maybe we would wait for one of those options to become available to us, but within six months after giving birth my S-I-L was pregnant again and my sister was still not 21.

Yesterday we received a letter that Dr. Stewart passed away unexpectedly.  Since this Dr. was so honest and up front with us I of course wanted no other doctor to help us peruse this avenue if we chose it.  Now we have confirmation that this was not our plan.  Sometimes God gives us subtle answers to our questions and sometimes he yells at you.